What lies hidden in the shrouds,
Amid currents of the sea,
The sun, bring forth into the light!
Illuminate, that I may see.
If you have stumbled across this blog, or a friend or family member has recommended it to you… I’d like to start by saying, Thank you. I have a much easier time with putting words to paper, or screen, than word flow speak. Because I was a quiet child for many years, and found my voice later in life, I find that I’ll start having all these thoughts swirling around in my head, about all kinds of topics. But mostly things very personal to me, and especially on the human relationship side. Relationships with other people, animals, self, food and nutrition… all things I find fascinating. But a big part of my journey, and this makes me feel very vulnerable to the world, is walking my life path alongside depression.
Why Am I this way?
Why is anyone this way?
I often repeat to myself and others, each of us has a “thorn in the flesh,” a biblical reference if you’ll allow me to make those occasional references. The “thorn in the flesh” is referencing something that sticks in you and hurts. And it sticks so deep, it’s extremely difficult to remove. And the removing causes immense pain. And it being there, sometimes you don’t feel it. But then it sneaks up on you. A movement, a choice, the bump into something or someone, causes that thorn to remind you that it is very much still there. There may be times of a small lingering soreness. Sometimes there may be intense throbbing pain. Sometimes it may stay, and sometimes it may dissipate into the background again. But the “thorn” is still there.
Why do we have this thorn?
Maybe that is something I’ll come back to another day. Because that is a question I find myself asking sometimes. “Why is there pain in this world? What purpose does this serve? Is there a point? Is it meaningless? Is there a meaning to life?” Yes, I do believe I’ll put those thoughts down on another day. For now, I’ll let you know this:
Depression is my “thorn.”
I can remember as a child, going through these times when I was so sad, and I couldn’t understand why. And my mom would ask me, “What’s wrong, Jessi?” And the only response my inner child’s understanding could come up with is, “I’m lonely.” I started referring to these times as, The Lonelies.
I’ll also come back to this later, The Lonelies.
I now see this word, I used as a kid, has two words in it. Lone and Lies.
Little lies that a voice inside our head tells us. It may say things like, “You’re not worthy. You’re too much. You’re not enough. You’re alone.” Lone lies we hear, that we sometimes listen to, that we sometimes give power to… that lone voice whispers these lies.
I’ll tell you now, there’s another still small voice. A voice that’s competing for space in your head. A voice that comes from the Heart. I’ll say more on that another day.
Let me segway back to my gratitude that you stopped by and read my thoughts. These are my thoughts, and no one has to read them. Since you did, I thank you for your time spent with me.
I found my voice, and this is where my thoughts will speak to you. We are all on a journey, and my hope is that we would all find the Love that exists, and hold onto that.
May the voices we hear or read, be a Light in the Dark.