“You might want to punch me when I say this…but this might be the greatest thing to happen.”

I sat across from a woman in a little cafe, while feeling hurt, scared, and desperate. I remember shaking like a leaf when I began telling her what was going on with me. It was such a vulnerable moment letting her know that someone in our friendship sphere had hurt me terribly. I was not okay with what had happened. I was not okay pretending that I wasn’t suffering. This person who I had considered someone worth investing in, someone I would show up for and defend time and again, had also shown me off and on over the years there was something being held against me.

One of the best gifts given me in that moment in that little cafe, when I shared these painful feelings with the woman in front of me was her just simply listening to me, and even though I felt so alone and hurt and scared about what might happen with the hard decisions ahead, she told me it was gonna be okay. And then she said: You might want to punch me when I say this…but this might be the greatest thing to happen.

I’ve discovered something interesting while processing this loss: consider curiosity towards the mean words said about you. You might just discover your super power. 💖

Very very few people know that for some time, I’ve been processing this friendship betrayal. A “close” friend of almost 10 years was trashing me behind my back. Most people would say: consider the source. Why would you take to heart the mean words a “false” friend says about you? They revealed their character. Their words belong in the trash….

Yes, the way they meant those words belongs in the trash. And after some very real pain from betrayal had to be processed – because it’s more complicated than even this, there is the person’s motivations for why and when they shared this betrayal with me, and that I gave them both years of lots of grace and benefit of the doubt- but I started to get curious about what and why they said those things. This is what I was told, what my friend said while she was ghosting and avoiding me: she is hacking my life. I’m sorry I introduced her to my friends.
And when asked why she spent time with me, she said: because she’s thirsty for connection.

Major yuck and ouch. That really really hurt me. A friendship I thought I had been cultivating for nearly 10 years thrown into the waste bin, just like that. All of this was dumped on me after I got out of the hospital (tough timing) because this person who felt compelled to share the truth with me had been excluded from a little birthday party I was invited to. This came after I refused to listen for longer than 10 minutes how I was a bad friend for not driving to this person’s house when recovering from surgery and on powerful opioids. When I type this out, it just seems so unreal, like a grade-school fever dream.

It would be reasonable to throw all those things said about me into a rubbish pile as useless, then let it go, and move on. Betrayal takes a while to heal. It cuts deep. And I’m certain, it cuts both ways. But when I actually considered what was said and why, I realized: someone insecure about their own connections would say something like that. A person who is weak in cultivating and maintaining authentic relationships would try to tear down one of the most priceless things in the human experience: connection. A fearful person would see that strength in me, and rather than appreciate that and me as a person, as a friend, they would diminish what they lacked by diminishing what I have.

Who says something like that about someone they actively spend time with? What kind of person can tell you how much you mean to them one day, then months later ghost and avoid you while seeking the company of mutual friends? And what kind of a person dumps on someone they care about something so ridiculous and mean?

And the more I considered these, there was resistance to seeing those persons in such a way, that they would be such persons who say and do mean things – mean girls – the urge to protect the images of those I cared about because, after all, who I choose to hang out with says a lot about me. But so does my ability to forgive, and to have grace, and to have enough self respect that I don’t even need to find that reconciliation, especially when it’s not wanted. I asked my friend if we could talk about what went wrong in our relationship, she said she didn’t see the value in it. The other friend who had dumped on me the many secrets, she stopped communicating with me, and I refused to stoke up any further communication with her.

And another consideration: how many of us are just as guilty of saying and doing mean and hurtful things? Yuck and ouch. We are all at times insecure little humans. Guilty.

Fact: a weak person tries to tear another person down. We all have areas of weakness, just as we have strengths. And where we spend most of our energies, time will reveal what we cultivate. I should be very careful with not only what I spend time on but with whom I spend it with.

Was I thirsty for connection? Probably. Maybe I needed to spend more time connecting to myself, and then people who really value connection with me. I greatly value cultivating meaningful connection with the people I interact with, and especially with those very dear to me. But maybe part of this pain I’ve been feeling not only has to do with something I appreciate and is a part of me being cast aside, but that in the pursuit of connection with these certain persons, I had been casting myself aside.

Sharing this has nothing to do with the other person whose words hurt me terribly. Pain can be a valuable teacher. Whether it’s pain from illness, pain from loss, or pain from physical or emotional trauma, pain shows us that there’s something that needs our attention. And all of our feelings play a part. Certain feelings can be incredibly hard to sit with, both in ourselves and sometimes with each other (thanks Pixar for the lessons in empathy). But they all have a purpose, and it’s only problematic when we remain stuck with our feelings after they’ve served their purpose.

People need to earn their place in my heart. Being there for others, helping, loving – all are beautiful expressions that can be given freely, no strings attached. But I can give those things more freely when I am showing myself kindness, care, respect, love. And if a person can’t or won’t share in those expressions, they haven’t earned a place in the recesses of my heart. I can still love them, care for them, and show kindness and respect…but I’ll no longer seek relationship where there is lacking reciprocity. I love them and let them go.

And I still have my own insecurities I’m working through. But at least for the moment, which is subject to change because of feelings 😅, I am grateful for this lesson. I’m disregarding the intentions those persons had towards me. I sat with what they said though, and learned authentic connection is my super power, and a beautiful gift I will try to never dismiss and devalue, nor dismiss and devalue the connections and strengths of others.

I hope you all have beautiful connections in your lives that you cherish and show them how much you do. 💖 And when people throw stones at you, dismiss you, devalue you…I hope you’re able to disregard their intentions and find the value in what sets you apart from them. I hope you’re able to see that they can’t actually deface your value, they can only try to shake your confidence in yourself, your gifts and abilities. The world needs you and me. Keep shining your light. Even in the dark, the dim glow shines bright. ✨