Finding My Superpower

“You might want to punch me when I say this…but this might be the greatest thing to happen.”

I sat across from a woman in a little cafe, while feeling hurt, scared, and desperate. I remember shaking like a leaf when I began telling her what was going on with me. It was such a vulnerable moment letting her know that someone in our friendship sphere had hurt me terribly. I was not okay with what had happened. I was not okay pretending that I wasn’t suffering. This person who I had considered someone worth investing in, someone I would show up for and defend time and again, had also shown me off and on over the years there was something being held against me.

One of the best gifts given me in that moment in that little cafe, when I shared these painful feelings with the woman in front of me was her just simply listening to me, and even though I felt so alone and hurt and scared about what might happen with the hard decisions ahead, she told me it was gonna be okay. And then she said: You might want to punch me when I say this…but this might be the greatest thing to happen.

I’ve discovered something interesting while processing this loss: consider curiosity towards the mean words said about you. You might just discover your super power. 💖

Very very few people know that for some time, I’ve been processing this friendship betrayal. A “close” friend of almost 10 years was trashing me behind my back. Most people would say: consider the source. Why would you take to heart the mean words a “false” friend says about you? They revealed their character. Their words belong in the trash….

Yes, the way they meant those words belongs in the trash. And after some very real pain from betrayal had to be processed – because it’s more complicated than even this, there is the person’s motivations for why and when they shared this betrayal with me, and that I gave them both years of lots of grace and benefit of the doubt- but I started to get curious about what and why they said those things. This is what I was told, what my friend said while she was ghosting and avoiding me: she is hacking my life. I’m sorry I introduced her to my friends.
And when asked why she spent time with me, she said: because she’s thirsty for connection.

Major yuck and ouch. That really really hurt me. A friendship I thought I had been cultivating for nearly 10 years thrown into the waste bin, just like that. All of this was dumped on me after I got out of the hospital (tough timing) because this person who felt compelled to share the truth with me had been excluded from a little birthday party I was invited to. This came after I refused to listen for longer than 10 minutes how I was a bad friend for not driving to this person’s house when recovering from surgery and on powerful opioids. When I type this out, it just seems so unreal, like a grade-school fever dream.

It would be reasonable to throw all those things said about me into a rubbish pile as useless, then let it go, and move on. Betrayal takes a while to heal. It cuts deep. And I’m certain, it cuts both ways. But when I actually considered what was said and why, I realized: someone insecure about their own connections would say something like that. A person who is weak in cultivating and maintaining authentic relationships would try to tear down one of the most priceless things in the human experience: connection. A fearful person would see that strength in me, and rather than appreciate that and me as a person, as a friend, they would diminish what they lacked by diminishing what I have.

Who says something like that about someone they actively spend time with? What kind of person can tell you how much you mean to them one day, then months later ghost and avoid you while seeking the company of mutual friends? And what kind of a person dumps on someone they care about something so ridiculous and mean?

And the more I considered these, there was resistance to seeing those persons in such a way, that they would be such persons who say and do mean things – mean girls – the urge to protect the images of those I cared about because, after all, who I choose to hang out with says a lot about me. But so does my ability to forgive, and to have grace, and to have enough self respect that I don’t even need to find that reconciliation, especially when it’s not wanted. I asked my friend if we could talk about what went wrong in our relationship, she said she didn’t see the value in it. The other friend who had dumped on me the many secrets, she stopped communicating with me, and I refused to stoke up any further communication with her.

And another consideration: how many of us are just as guilty of saying and doing mean and hurtful things? Yuck and ouch. We are all at times insecure little humans. Guilty.

Fact: a weak person tries to tear another person down. We all have areas of weakness, just as we have strengths. And where we spend most of our energies, time will reveal what we cultivate. I should be very careful with not only what I spend time on but with whom I spend it with.

Was I thirsty for connection? Probably. Maybe I needed to spend more time connecting to myself, and then people who really value connection with me. I greatly value cultivating meaningful connection with the people I interact with, and especially with those very dear to me. But maybe part of this pain I’ve been feeling not only has to do with something I appreciate and is a part of me being cast aside, but that in the pursuit of connection with these certain persons, I had been casting myself aside.

Sharing this has nothing to do with the other person whose words hurt me terribly. Pain can be a valuable teacher. Whether it’s pain from illness, pain from loss, or pain from physical or emotional trauma, pain shows us that there’s something that needs our attention. And all of our feelings play a part. Certain feelings can be incredibly hard to sit with, both in ourselves and sometimes with each other (thanks Pixar for the lessons in empathy). But they all have a purpose, and it’s only problematic when we remain stuck with our feelings after they’ve served their purpose.

People need to earn their place in my heart. Being there for others, helping, loving – all are beautiful expressions that can be given freely, no strings attached. But I can give those things more freely when I am showing myself kindness, care, respect, love. And if a person can’t or won’t share in those expressions, they haven’t earned a place in the recesses of my heart. I can still love them, care for them, and show kindness and respect…but I’ll no longer seek relationship where there is lacking reciprocity. I love them and let them go.

And I still have my own insecurities I’m working through. But at least for the moment, which is subject to change because of feelings 😅, I am grateful for this lesson. I’m disregarding the intentions those persons had towards me. I sat with what they said though, and learned authentic connection is my super power, and a beautiful gift I will try to never dismiss and devalue, nor dismiss and devalue the connections and strengths of others.

I hope you all have beautiful connections in your lives that you cherish and show them how much you do. 💖 And when people throw stones at you, dismiss you, devalue you…I hope you’re able to disregard their intentions and find the value in what sets you apart from them. I hope you’re able to see that they can’t actually deface your value, they can only try to shake your confidence in yourself, your gifts and abilities. The world needs you and me. Keep shining your light. Even in the dark, the dim glow shines bright. ✨

The Blossom

I look out my bedroom window, and the sight that greets me arrests my vision. The dogwood in our backyard is revealing its delicate and fragile blooms. Nestled between historic houses in an old city that hugs the mountains of Virginia, Spring is here. The trees are coming out of winter…as many in the country and the world withdraw and hold their breath as the winds of something else passes through—a virus that many of us didn’t take seriously until it showed us, like the blooms on the ends of tiny stems, our own fragility and how delicate our own lives truly are.

During a recent evening, we took a slow stroll to take in the sight of the blooming cherry trees that line the streets of downtown. It was so quiet. No cars or people were about. The breeze was blowing steady, and the blossoms danced along sweeping, graceful branches that dip over sidewalks while pink petals floated on the air.

In Japan, the cherry blossom has very specific meanings that symbolize the nature of life. The cherry blossom, sakura, marks the time of Spring—that the harshness of winter is over, and a time of renewal is approaching. The flowers are so stunning, one can’t help but pause and take in their beauty. And the people of Japan do take this time to pause and celebrate. Hanami is a time for family and friends to gather with each other, and they do so beneath the blossoms of these magnificent trees. Hanami literally means “watching blossoms.”

And after about two weeks, the blossoms begin to fall, creating the “sakura snow” that blankets the ground and is carried off in the breeze. And during this time, the flowers represent life’s ephemerality—that all life is in transition. They call this, mono no aware, “the pathos of things.” They believe that when you are aware of the impermanence of nature, you become aware of how significant these moments are.

We are all experiencing difficulties right now in some form. Even though some may weather this particular storm better, each of us is facing our very own unique difficulties. I look out my bedroom window and reflect on my own fragility. My health has struggled. We are struggling financially. These things take a toll on our relationship. I miss the friends and family we are hundreds of miles away from. I see the blossoms opening, and I remember, “To everything there is a season…a time to be born and a time to die…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…” Book of Ecclesiastes

This, too, shall pass.

The blossoms outside my window will fall, revealing the growth of new things. The trees are coming out of winter, marked by the blooms of spring that herald the growth of leaves. The young leaves will darken with the life giving chlorophyll that sustains them, and the trees will exhale the fresh oxygen for us to breathe in.

“And why do you worry? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet, not even King Solomon in his splendor was dressed like one of these. If God clothes the grass of the fields, which is here today and gone tomorrow, how much more will God clothe you of little faith… Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself.” Book of Matthew

I will try to rest in the assurance that each day brings something new. I cannot accomplish anything by worrying. I look outside my window, and I see the harmony of nature, and I remember, we are strong together. We can help one another through this. The love and support we show one another can pull us through these difficult times. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, or the next, the weeks ahead or even the months. But I know that love heals. Whether we find a healed body, a healed economy, or a healed heart, we will be stronger on the other side of winter if we give to each other the most important thing we need—love.

“…the only thing that keeps people truly safe and happy is love…that’s where men get their courage, where countries get their strength, and where God grants us miracles. And in the absence of love…there is nothing in this world worth fighting for.” –The War

I look outside my window, and I remember how much I can truly be grateful for. The window lets me see that the house I sit in protects me from the cold of winter and the heat of summer. The roof above the window protects me from the damp of rain and the burn of sun. I may not see my friends or family outside my window, but I feel their love in my heart. I have a partner who stands beside me, who loves and encourages me. I know that in the face of hardship and cruelty, people are doing good things. And I know that even though I may be unwell, this body was given to me for a specific amount of time. And what I choose to do with that time is up to me.

“‘…I wish none of this had happened.’

‘So do all that live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world…besides the will of evil… And that is an encouraging thought.’” -J.R. Tolkien

Take heart and have courage in this difficult time. Pause to remember the things of today may not be here tomorrow. Remember the love we have for each other. And embrace the beauty you find.

Love Is…

Part Thirteen:
Love Always Trusts

To trust another is to be vulnerable. You open yourself up to receive Love from others and to share the Love residing in your Heart. If we open ourselves up to receive, we may incidentally receive someone’s pain. Then, we ourselves experience the pain, whether it’s the pain of others you take on or the pain that manifests from growth and experience. Is the pain worth it? If we are always fearing pain from the experiences of the past, we can cut ourselves off from the healing Love that we can share and receive. To Love is to Trust. Love is not concerned with the past. Love is concerned with the present moment. You actually exist in the present moment, and yet, sometimes we get lost in the thoughts of the past. The relationships built on solid foundations are built on Trust. To Trust is to build a bridge between Hearts. When we doubt, we dissolve the ability to move forward or grow. And when we doubt, sometimes we manifest the things we fear – the seeds of doubt were already sprouted, crumbling the framework of what you were building. When you live by doubt, is it because of what has happened in the past? If you trust your Self, what have you to worry? Certainly, there are experiences given to us for our better understanding and growth. There are shaky bridges and foundations you do not have to cross. Trust your Self and honor your Time and the path You are on. And when it comes to the time you must decide and choose, choose Love. Trust Love.

Love Is…

Part Six:
Love Does Not Dishonor

To Love is to honor, having regard and respect for the identity and sanctity of a person and experience. Everyone and every experience has value, one way or another. The challenges we encounter serve as excellent teachers, the lessons we learn teach us more about the world around us and ourselves. When we no longer seek the approval of others, we are able to admire the value of others because we recognize our own value. When we respect ourselves, we know how to respect others. When we recognize the value we are born with, we have the choice to act in accordance to our beliefs. Much in the way we honor and respect promises and contracts, when we believe they are valuable, our thoughts are centered on honoring that contract and promise. By honoring ourselves and others, we build a foundation of trust. When a person dishonors another, whether through thoughts, speech, and actions, it is because they hold no honor in their thoughts, speech, and actions. Dishonor brings others and brings ourselves to a place of guilt and shame. When we dishonor, we are actually locking ourselves in The Pillory. When we honor, we uphold that which we value. If you believe someone has value, you’ll honor them. If you believe you have value, you’ll honor your Self. There is no place for guilt and shame when we value ourselves and others. The honorable person doesn’t seek dishonoring others. Honor Self. Honor Love. Be Love.